Talk about getting himself penalized for a false start.
Police arrested Kansas football player Tom Barrett on suspicion of using fake ID at a student bar in Lawrence — just days before the Jayhawk’s 21st birthday.
— At TheOnion.com: “Frustrated Roger Goodell trying to find live stream of Bears-Packers game.”
— Written on a fan’s sign at “College GameDay” on ESPN: “My girlfriend entered the transfer portal.”
The U.S. Tennis Association fined Daniil Medvedev $4,000 for holding his middle finger against the side of his face as he walked past the umpire during a U.S. Open match.
Well, that’s certainly a different way of playing singles.
Idaho, which dropped to college football’s FCS division two years ago, has been outscored by an average of 74-10 against the FBS teams it’s played since.
Mashed potatoes, anyone?
Not so fast, my friend
And, from the Curses, Foiled Again file:
— USC’s season-opening 60-yard kickoff return against Fresno State was wiped out because … there were two Trojans on the field wearing No. 7 jerseys.
— Astros minor-leaguer Miguelangel Sierra lost a home run playing for the Fayetteville Woodpeckers because … he failed to touch home plate.
— Police in Spain spotted 40 marijuana plants in a rooftop grow operation while watching … aerial shots of the Vuelta a Espana cycling race.
Thar he blows
Steamboat Geyser in Yellowstone Park just had its 34th eruption of the year, breaking the longstanding record set by Woody Hayes.
Roger (Bacon) & out
Dunbar High School of Dayton, Ohio — trailing 23-8 with seven minutes left in the first half and already whistled for three unsportsmanlike-conduct penalties — had to forfeit its football game against Cincinnati’s Roger Bacon when a Dunbar player head-butted an official.
Bonus points: The game was played at Welcome Stadium.
Yankee go homer
First baseman Mike Ford, in beating the A’s 5-4 last Sunday, became the first Yankee rookie to ever hit a pinch-hit walk-off home run.
MLB stat geeks were chastised for forgetting to add: by a left-handed hitter, on natural turf, in a day game.
Harley-Davidson just unveiled three prototype pedal-assist electric bicycles.
Hells Angels Lite, anyone?
Talking the talk
— Doug Farrar of USAToday.com, on the lopsided Jadeveon Clowney trade to the Seahawks: “As several people pointed out on Twitter, this trade was so bad, the ‘Madden NFL 20’ video game wouldn’t OK it.”
— Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the Twins hitting six home runs — and still losing 10-7 to the Yankees: “If the ball were any more juiced it would be sponsored by Minute Maid.”
White Sandy Beaches Dept.
More than 25 bricks of cocaine washed up on Florida beaches as a result of Hurricane Dorian.
In fact, they just renamed it Hurricane Gooden.
Quote, end quote
— Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, on claims by RunRepeat.com that marathon runners in Florida are among the slowest: “Let’s see you try to run 26 miles in 93 degrees when the youngest person in your group is 75.”
— Retired Ball Coach Steve Spurrier, to The Athletic, on 26-point favorite Tennessee losing at home to Georgia State: “Rocky Top might be Rocky Bottom for a week or two until they win one.”
— Comedy writer Tim Hunter, after reading an article headlined “How to tailgate like a pro” in USA Today: “Are there really professional tailgaters? How did my career guidance counselor never bring that up in high school?”
Hit the road, Nick
If you think Nick Saban is strict, you ought to see his wife.
“Miss Terry,” as the Alabama coach calls her, made him run for 20 minutes on a treadmill as punishment for his sideline berating of officials during the Tide’s season-opening 42-3 rout of Duke.
Motor City? Really?
The worst city in the U.S. to drive around in, according to a WalletHub.com survey, is Detroit.
Unless, that is, you happen to be at Ford Field driving against the Lions’ defense.
Three-time U.S. cross-country champion Chris Derrick says he broke his right leg when he stepped into a pothole during a 16k race in Flint, Mich.
No word on whether they finished the race under a yellow flag.
— Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on Raiders receiver Antonio Brown finally finding a helmet to his liking: “But, because of what’s in it — his head — he won’t need it this week.”
— Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on wide receiver Antonio Brown getting fined $53,000: “For blowing up the Raiders. That’s like punishing a bank robber by giving his getaway car a parking ticket.”
— Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Twitter, on the Packers’ season-opening 10-3 win over the Bears: “Aaron Rodgers was listed as the winning pitcher.”
High-school sports participation has dropped for the first time in 30 years, according to figures compiled by the National Federation of State High School Associations.
Want to reverse the trend? Just make video games a varsity sport.
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