All right budgeteers, it has almost arrived. You know what I'm talking about, Black Friday! It is both the happiest and the worst day of my entire life.
Seriously, my net income can be counted on one hand and I have an unhealthy addiction to name brand makeup and designer bags. Door busters are my kryptonite and when you combine that with Black Friday, I'm liable to go crazy on some sweet old Granny Sue who is just trying to buy her little Betty a Michael Kors bag for Christmas.
If you're anything like me, you have already begun to plan your assault on the mall. Sure, war-paint on my face and brass knuckles (shh, don't tell my hubby, they're illegal) may seem a little out there for some shoppers, but seriously, I'm a pro and that's just how we roll in the big leagues and you can either buck up or go to the food court where I send the rookies to cry. While you're there, get me a pretzel.
I want you to realize that what I'm about to tell you is monumental. Like, forget Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2, this right here is going to blow your mind! Okay, maybe not as big as Twilight because let’s face it, Edward Cullen is like the bees just shot straight through my knees, but it's like "OMG Martin Sheen isn't president and West Wing isn't real?" sort of shock.
As the most senior budgeteer, I feel compelled to give you my Black Friday secrets. Passed down from my mom and now to you, here is the scoop on how you can go black ops on Black Friday and get out nearly alive.
1. You can't spell team with an "I" (no literally, you can't, I tried).
On Black Friday, it is important more than ever to shop with a buddy. Not only is it an added safety measure, but take this instance for example.
You and some lady grab the last, pre-lit fake tree in the store. She pulls, you pull and you commence in the death stare. You might shove her a little and almost get away, but then a manager is called. He grabs the tree and he asks the question: Who was here first? All of a sudden, out of the fog, comes your friend otherwise known as "complete stranger number 1". "It twas she" yells your disguised BFF as she solely points to you. The manager then hands you the tree and the bystanders shun the other lady with the no-no finger.
Can you imagine if you didn't have someone to vouch for you? You could have seriously had to pay full price for that tree later. I shudder at the idea.