Valdosta Daily Times

September 9, 2012

I would spray-paint my face if it wouldn’t kill me

Brittany D. McClure
The Valdosta Daily Times

VALDOSTA — Of those budgeteers who follow me on Facebook, you saw that I was spraypainting an old pantry cabinet kelly green last weekend in an attempt to convert it into a DVD shelf for my husband.

As you should know from Facebook (get the hint, you should be following me on Facebook), I have been chronicling my budget condo makeover. My husband had these hideous, metal DVD shelves hung all around our even uglier 47 inch flat screen smugly hanging smack dab in the middle of my living room wall. So, I took the shelves down and instead galleried the wall with some of mine and my late grandmama’s art.

This in turn led my husband into a tantrum that has spanned across the past two weeks. Apparently, having the DVD’s one room away from the television is as big of a inconvenience as the Berlin Wall (which they tore down by the way). As you can tell, my husband clearly does not have a degree in history . . . or in physics as his movies are literally 20 paces from his precious flat screened mistress of the night.

However, apparently marriage is about compromise — which is something I would have liked to have known before accepting his proposal with as many strings as a marionette — so I am in the process of converting an old cabinet that used to serve as my pantry into a fashionably disguised DVD shelf.

You may be asking yourself: But Brittany, you spraypainted the shelf last weekend, why is the process taking so long? I’m glad you asked, despite spraypainting nearly everything in my house, I spraypainted this one piece of “furniture” incorrectly. I sarcastically placed the word furniture in quotations because aside from paying $39.99 for it, it is pretty much a cardboard box.

Thus, because of the cheap and flimsy material, the spray paint is taking a lifetime to dry because I did not use primer.

So, I moped to Google with my tail between my legs and asked the ole’ mighty Goz (I have Oz on the brain, have you seen the trailer with James Franco, it’s delicious) to teach me the ways of spraypainting. This is what he told me:

• Clean It Dummy!

First, take a damp sponge and get all the dust and dead bugs off the piece of trash you wish to revive.

• Rough It Up.

Second, take some fine steel wool and rough up the surface a bit. Of course, this only applies to wood-like materials. Unless you videotape it and upload it for me to watch and laugh, please do not attempt to sandpaper plastic or metal.

• Shake What Your Mama Gave Ya.’

Shake the can and for the love of God, keep the cap on. Believe it or not, this is not as common sense as it sounds.

• Wear A Mask.

Sure, it’s annoying but unless you still want to be digging out bits of neon green from your nose two days later like me, I advise you to take the fashion risk.

• Use A Primer.

Even though some good spray paints say that no primer is needed, it doesn’t hurt to take the extra precaution. I didn’t rough up my surface or use a primer and thus my cabinet is still in my parent’s garage acting as a sticky nest for the love-bug apocalypse.

• Take Your Time.

Do multiple thin coats instead of one thick coat. I thought I was being clever by laying it on thick instead of wasting paint with thin strips. Apparently, I was wrong.

• Stay The Course.

Always paint in even vertical or horizontal strokes, not circular or random strokes. If you’re painting wood, stay with the grain.

If you listen to the all powerful Goz, your trash will be a colorful treasure in no time. Now my husband will be happy because I put a DVD shelf next to the television and I will be happy because it won’t look like a DVD shelf.

Be sure to follow me on Facebook at Also follow me on Twitter @VDT_Brittany.

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